Ask Amy: My lover-turned-close-friend no longer answers me

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dear Amy: Through unusual circumstances too complicated to explain here, I met another man about seven and a half years ago.

We first met for a sexual encounter and quickly became lovers. And then we became good friends. We’re both well-aged and get tested regularly, so we know each other’s health.

Prior to our meeting, her husband as well as my wife had long since lost interest in sex, so sex was the initial attraction for both of us.

We live in different cities but manage to see each other several times a year. Sometimes we only meet for lunch or dinner and just talk – hours and hours of conversation. Other times we have the opportunity to be intimate with each other. We share our thoughts, dreams, family issues, concerns, etc.

In recent months, his communications have slowed. At this point, I haven’t heard from him for a few weeks. No explanation, no message, nothing. I guess that’s called “ghosting?”

My question is this: I feel like I at least need some sort of closure. I’ll be in his town in a few weeks. Do I have to try again to contact him to have a sense of closure?

What could be the best way, and how persistent should I be? Or should I just give up?

Ghost: Yes, you should contact him. Ask, perhaps via text, “Could you call me back, just to let me know if you’re okay?” Of course I miss hearing from you, but at this point, I’m just looking for an explanation as to why you haven’t been in touch, and I’ve started to worry. I’ll be in town soon, in case you want to meet me in person.

After this effort, yes, I think you just have to let go.

And… it’s off topic, but I hope your wife has been tested for STDs as well.

dear Amy: I don’t think I’ve seen this topic discussed before.

This could be a problem faced by a heterosexual or homosexual person. (I happen to be gay.)

My ex passed away suddenly a few years ago from a tear in one of the chambers of his heart. He was 53 years old.

After our separation (due to infidelity on his part), we were able to put aside our acrimony towards each other and move on as friends. He even attended my wedding to my current husband.

When he died, I was devastated. The grief was quite intense. People around me were acting like… “If you were just friends, then why are you taking this so badly?”

My husband tried to be understanding, but I felt like he didn’t really understand. Believe me – at that time I had no romantic interest in my ex.

Ex injured in the Midwest

Wounded: The indelible line from John Donne’s poem “No Man is an Island” immediately comes to mind (as so often does of late): “…every man’s death diminishes me, for I am involved in humanity.”

Continuing to graft myself onto this poem, I will tell you “for whom the death knell tolls”: The death knell tolls for you, and for each person in mourning.

A friend of mine recently described the impact of losing friends as being like you’ve ripped holes in your life. You shared your life with your ex, and after your breakup, you continued your friendship. Of course, you mourn this loss!

There is no shortcut through grief, and there is no need to justify how you feel, how you feel, or that you feel such intense grief over the death of a friend.

dear Amy: Regarding your recent “Best Of” column concerning the adoption (of “sister in distress”), we have three children: one biological and two adopted.

When we brought home our second child (3 weeks old!), our social worker told us to tell her about her adoption day and to tell her frequently.

Obviously a 3 week old baby doesn’t understand adoption, but the point was that we would be very comfortable telling him his adoption story and would be open to any questions he had. growing.

So, the right age for a child to learn their adoption story is the day you bring your child home.

Susanna: This is stellar advice, which I hope all adoptive parents follow.

©2022 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content Agency


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