Samantha Armytage takes over the Sunday premiere of Farmer Wants A Wife and returns to TV screens with the same command she usually reserves for bobcat driving, in an episode that has all the lust and drama of a really sexy CWA reunion.
Whoever made the decision to put Samantha on this show is a genius. She doesn’t need to do this – she could just spend her days relaxing on her farm in Bowral, watching the sun come up instead of… Sunrise – but she chooses to be involved, just for fun. It’s the perfection.
Osher needs to take notes. Guarantee, The baccalaureate the ratings would increase by 15% if he wore an Akubra.
SUMMARY BY JAMES WEIR:Read all summaries here
Tonight we meet our five new farmers and the slew of normies hoping to win their hearts. Warning: there are too many candidates to list in this first summary and the initial rules are convoluted.
Farmer Will, Farmer Benjamin, Farmer Harry, Farmer Ben and Farmer Paige have all shortlisted around 10 standards each and tonight they will be socializing before narrowing down the groups even further – taking the leftovers back to their properties.
Two SUVs pull up and drop all the girls, who are dressed appropriately for farm life:
Then two more cars arrive with the normal boy band for Farmer Paige. With a pool of male and female competitors, Sportsbet should open the betting odds for potential cheaters at all times. But that’s cynical. The only thing we bet on is that all the guys here bought their cologne from Chemist Warehouse.
But enough about these coincidences. We’re here for Sam, who came on board to guide the city’s candidates into their potential new life in the countryside.
“We were very lucky to find each other,” she tells us about Richard Lavender, the farmer she married in 2020.
“As soon as I saw Sammy for the first time, I thought, ‘That’s my girlfriend,'” adds the man himself.
After all the girls manage to get their stiletto spikes off the lawn, Sam goes to greet them and explain what’s going on.
“In my experience, it’s really nice to move to the countryside, which I did last year for love,” she says. “You really have to be a team with a farmer. Like, it’s more than just an average job in the city – it’s a lifestyle.
The girls are teeming with questions.
“Do you miss it? Do you miss the city at all?” one asks.
“No,” Sam is quick to reply.
“Do you do a lot to help out on the farm? another asks.
We will accept any anecdotes regarding Sam’s life. We look forward to seeing what she reveals in response to this question. She does not disappoint.
“Yes, I do, because Richard – like most country men – really likes you to help him,” she begins. “He’ll be like, ‘Can you drive the bobcat?’ But I’m laying down the bulldozer line – I won’t because it’s just too scary.
But that’s country life. It’s all about getting out of your comfort zone. One minute you are forced to command a bulldozer against your will. Then you smash a live chicken on your charcuterie board.
Why the producers aren’t releasing B-roll footage of Samantha trying to drive the bulldozer — or at least cruising around the back paddock in the bobcat — is beyond us. Maybe that’s the carrot on the string to keep us watching until the final. In all cases, the images must be broadcast.
As for this premiere episode, we’d be happy if it was just 90 minutes of these clueless city girls asking Sam questions. The producers know full well that she’s the real card to play – but that’s why they want to feed us with his appearances. She quickly left the set and we continue the meetings.
Do we even know many of the farmers? We know enough. One is a chick. Will is the hot guy. And another looks like that ABC gardener, Costa.
What comes next are intimate and informative 45-second speed dating series. The topics of conversation are both seductive and profound.
“So I dusted off some of my pickup lines,” April, 25, tells Farmer Will. Fun! Show us what you got, April.
“Did you fart? Because you have soufflé walk away,” she winks at him.
After hearing this, Will seems to have sniffed out something terrible.
Then, the reality of his actions comes to light in April.
Speaking of stinky things, a chick named Lisa is going to read Farmer Ben his bad poetry.
“I wrote a little poem for you,” she says/warns.
Oh darn. It’s like on The single person when a sneaky producer tricks one of the girls into reading his diary entries – or worse… rap.
“Farmer Wellfrom the moment i watched your video i rated you as a Tenshe begins, emphasizing the rhymes. “A good country farmer is quite my thing. Then looking at your beautiful face makes my heart to sing. So here’s to taking a chance on me, Well. Don’t let this be your last a look.”
Oh. A little stumble on that last verse. It didn’t quite rhyme. She should have worked on the old typewriter a bit more and done a rejig. Maybe something like, “So thank you, Ben, for taking a chance. Don’t let this moment be your last a look.” Or: “So here we are, Ben – this decision was clever. Consider yourself lucky I didn’t say the word fart.”
But Ben isn’t too concerned about the awkward verses. Or other things…
“How would you feel taking a shower knowing you have cow poo under your fingernails?” he asks one of the other ladies.
This fearless line of questioning continues.
“(What if you) had to walk through a pen and get into the poop?”
“Have you ever smelled cow poop?”
Maybe he should have been paired with April.
When meeting Farmer Harry, things go just as well as Samantha’s ride on the bulldozer.
Harry chats with Georgia, a 22-year-old podiatry student, who is clearly feeling nervous and wants to make the most of her time with him. She regales him with a succession of random stories and facts – including one about a trip she took to a dairy and how she liked the pacifier machine.
Harry’s eyes widened.
“He’s a lovely person, don’t get me wrong,” he tells us. “But, like, there’s a lot kept going and sometimes it was a bit hard to follow.
As Georgia jumps from topic to topic, Harry tries to wrap her up.
“Okay, well…it was great chatting with you,” he interrupts, jumping to his feet before hugging her and sending her on her way. “I’ll catch you later. I will see you later. I’ll see you later, thank you. See you.”
As Georgia walks away, Harry looks at a producer with a shrug.
“Ah, I don’t know,” he sighs. “It wasn’t the best.”
What does it mean ? None of you talked about farts or recited bad poems. It’s a match made in heaven! Honestly, some people just have unrealistic standards.
And he doesn’t know that while he’s going after the producers, Georgia is stalking him behind the bushes. She hears everything he says about her. From the look on her face, it’s like she’s just discovered cow poo under her fingernails.
During the elimination ceremonies, a group of normies are sent to pack. Including Georgia.
April is also, to quote her own line, soufflé.